The Truth - The Dock, Montauk, NY


Alice Houseknecht, the former owner of the East Deck Motel, has recently been a hard person to lay eyes on. The Truth tracked down Alice in Aspen, Colorado skiing with Loretta DeRose. When asked about the sale, all Alice could do was complain. Alice enumerated a laundry list of gripes starting with being tired of having to be nice to people. “I'm sick of smiling at these pseudo­surfing cock suckers,” Alice snarled, as she sucked down another Cosmo. The former yoga instructor claimed now she can finally be her real self instead of some “phony fuckin' Mother Teresa,” as she stumbled off to the ladies' room. Alice returned with donuts in each nostril. Knowing Alice was a former member of the East Hampton Town's study of beach erosion, I asked who was going to take her place on the board. “Who gives a fuck?” was the reply. As one would well imagine, the entire Watson clan is eager to split up the money. Alice's big brother George Watson, the well­hung legend, seems to have the inside track. George claims he introduced Alice to Steve Houseknecht. “I'd be satisfied with 30%,” was Mr. Watson's answer when asked how much he expected. The generous Mrs. Houseknecht won't hog all the money because she intends to buy Wayne (da Gook) a second hand truck and set up some charity fund.


In case you haven't noticed, Kevin Savastano has a broken wrist. Jimmy “Trees” finally decided he wanted to be a man and stop the Sex Dwarf from bullying him. Trees claims the Dwarf owes him $12,000 in back pay. Mr. Trees hid in the dark Page 2 of 5 in Peter Joyce's shit yard and jumped out when Kevin had his back turned. Jimmy supposedly screamed, “I'm no Phil Berg,” and struck Kevin on the arm shattering his feminine wrist with his ex­girlfriend's strap­on.


Who the fuck is B.J.'s hair stylist­ Seth Arikian? A heartbroken B.J. told this well hung reporter he's not going to have his thinning hair cut until his best boy, Craigo, surfs back into town. B.J. was last seen wearing his fedora tongue kissing Lorraine Kreegan at the Surf Lodge's end of season mixer.


Poor Jimmy, he doesn't realize that the following story actually took place: Police pulled over Mr. Hewitt in the child molester wagon in Promised Land last Friday night at 2:34 am. Jimmy was driving on the wrong side of the road. Mr. Hewitt told Police he couldn't see the road because the vehicle was filled with marijuana smoke. After the smoke cleared, Police found John the Baptist in the Page 3 of 5 passenger seat, riding shotgun. Mr. Hewitt told police he was looking for Quimby's house which he knew was “somewhere near the water.” When Police searched the back of the van they found Quimby passed out with one of Jimmy's dogs humping his face. Jimmy used up the last chit in his favor bank to call Chief Ecker who instructed officers to release Jimmy as long as he promised not to drive. Cops, then, used a stun gun to awaken Quimby and let him drive back to Montauk.


Bobby is on a growing list of people in Montauk who have no friends. The only reason his lovely wife, Sue, stays with Bob is because she admitted to this reporter that she suffers from Battered Wife Syndrome. This reporter attempted to interview Captain Bob while he was working aboard his fishing vessel Endorphin, which was sinking at the Town Dock. When asked why he has no friends, Bob screamed, “Because I hate everybody!”


I am forced to believe in re­incarnation because the only reason that John would be partners with Little Anthony is because he was very bad in a previous life and now God is punishing him. The Load's former girlfriend, Theresa, called me in tears last week whining that the only time Johnny calls her is when he wants to get laid­ nothing else­ not even lunch. I couldn't give her an answer, but to console her, I told her I'd meet her for dinner next week.


Unfortunately, the Howard Hughes Disease appears to be claiming another victim. Anne Spratford, the oldest waitress among an aging Dock crew, told this reporter that her husband is sadly in the early throes of the disease. Scott, a former gregarious hail fellow well met, has nailed the bathroom door shut at their Air Force Base house and cut off communication with Annie and her boys. Scott now exits and enters the house via the bathroom window. His neighbor, Richie Brown, has petitioned the police for another order of protection. No one in the family really misses Scotty, but Annie complained about the boys peeing in the kitchen sink and having to relieve herself outside in the bushes. Peter Hewitt, the Spratford's fat grumpy neighbor, told this reporter in confidence, that he caught Annie shitting in his backyard twice. I will tell you of two other Montauk residents who are afflicted with this tragic disease as long as you promise not to tell anyone else: Ward Weimer, who hasn't been seen in years, was actually the first person to contract the Howard Hughes affliction. Janet, Ward's lovely wife, said Ward got the disease from working for the Gosmans. Janet confirmed in the past all Ward needed to 1 o have a good time was an eight ball and a quart of scotch. “It's really sad,” Janet said, “but at least now I don't have to fuck him.” Yet the most pathetic example of the Howard Hughes Syndrome is Brian “Whitey” Persan. Whitey can only be seen between 3:00am and 4:00am watering the flowers at Mary's flower shop. However, he can sometimes be found trainspotting naked in the woods on Navy Road wearing an engineer’s cap as the 2:51pm leaves Montauk.


Could the positive, up­beat, effusive, happy­go­lucky Linda Barnds be headed down the dark angry road to lesbianism? Concerned, this reporter asked Linda about her sexual leanings as she shopped in the IGA for KY Warming Jelly last Wednesday. “Even with the senior citizens' discount this dump is way overpriced,” groused the normally cheerful Mrs. Barnds. I was relieved when Linda told me she's still banging kids younger than her grandchildren.